Sick of being sick

Those of you who make up my favorite followers on this blog are probably wondering where I have been for the last month. I have been sick. Right after my half marathon, I was suspiciously drained of all energy for about five weeks. This soon followed with nausea and a constant fever of 101 that would not break for a week. On Saturday during Memorial Day weekend I was encouraged by close relatives to seek medical attention at Urgent Care. This is how my visit went:

Like the way every visit to the doctor goes, I was first interrogated by the receptionist who asked me about my symptoms and why I was bothering them on Memorial Day weekend. Then after a long wait I got to tell the whole story over again to the nurse, who made sure to ask me if it was allergy-related.

I had the mistake of getting a doctor in the past who noticed that I had allergies and then entered it into my medical record. Now every time I go the doctor every one of them asks me “Are you sure it’s not just your allergies?” Or "It's allergy-related, just take Claritin and get out of here.” This is why I am reluctant to ever go to the doctor unless I can arguably prove that it is not just allergies.

Anyway, then the doctor who is a nice and bewildered old lady with a European accent comes in and once again asks me to explain why I am there that day, and "What are my symptoms again? And are you sure it’s not your allergies?" I’m pretty sure a fever is not allergies!

She got very frustrated because she could not diagnose exactly what I had. Because the lab was closed that day I would have to come back on Wednesday when my real doctor was in and so I could get some blood tests from the lab.

A funny bit of dialogue that went on between me and the doctor:

Dr. Anderson: On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most pain you have ever felt before in your life how would you rate the pain you are feeling?

Me: Well if you would say ten is equivalent to excruciatingly I would have to say …

Dr. Anderson: Excruciatingly I like that word. Nurse give him a shot of toradol in his hip!!

Me: Let me finish, I would have to say I have a high tolerance to pain and so I would have to say I am more around the area of five to (nurse sticks the big needle in my butt) hello!?!

The Doctor was able to give me a blood sugar and mono test, both tested negative. So she gave me a whole bunch prescriptions to fill and sent me on my way.

One of the prescriptions she gave me was to help treat allergies.

Luckily my huge fever broke two days before I saw my real doctor. I got sick with cold / flu a day later because my daughter got it from another kid at daycare. That’s a fact, if you have a toddler in daycare, be prepared to be sick all the time. Other than an annoying cough that still lingers, the symptoms of my current disease are bearable.

Needless to say I am sick of being sick.

Have you ever a had a situation like this?

The Infestation

Common Name: Stag beetle

Description: Stag beetles are large, robust beetles typically dark brown in color. They have the club of the antennae with the segments separated rather than compact like scarab beetles. Males have elongated mandibles that are used to joust with rival males.

Not really aggressive to humans and have no known venomous traits or other harmful attributes. They love to live in wooded areas like rotting tree stumps or wood chips.

Why the National Geographic-like report? Because I saw an infestation of these critters all over not one, but three, of Orem’s playgrounds and parks where our children play.

After I made this frightful discovery I scooped two of them up and brought them home for further analysis. One appeared to be female and missing a leg and the other with the larger pincers appeared to be male with aggressive passions for the female who was trapped in the jar with him.

Specimens in my jar

I then had to complete my observation of them by allowing the male to pinch me. It took some time and some coercion but he did. It felt like getting bitten by an ant, or being pinched with tweezers. Apparently these things can grow up to 4” long. After I had completed all of my scientific observations, I released the happy couple back into the wild into an undisclosed neighbor’s yard to multiply and replenish their property. Isn’t nature amazing?

Pediophobia, or fear of Dolls

Pediophobia, or fear of dolls, is relatively common. It is believed to be the fear of humanoid figures, or things that look like they have a soul. Some people are afraid of all dolls and stuffed toys, while others fear only a specific type. Dolls that talk or move, made of porcelain, old-fashioned china dolls, or old mangled ones are especially common targets of fear.

Pediophobia is what I believe my family has. Earlier this year my mother was babysitting my daughter while Laura and I were at work. My mother shows love by always having to give things to us. This time she gave my daughter an old Sleepy Time Ernie (Sesame Street) doll.

This doll was an old toy I believe one of my siblings received when they were little for Christmas or a birthday or something like that.  It is animated in a way that it interacts with you. If you sit him up he says the automated phrase in Ernie’s voice, “I feel great!” if you squeeze his left hand he then says, “I am sooo sleepy, I need a nap.” He then sings himself a lullaby and begins his sleep mode, which is snoring noises and a rising and falling chest. Cute huh? Why would this be creepy?

Well, the fact that you can’t turn him off and so if you move him at all he will say, “I feel great!” is kind of creepy especially when he says this when no one is in the room.  I promised Laura I would get rid of him by giving him to my brother on his birthday. I forgot. The fact that this doll talks to you without command or coercion in that automated soulless voice can really startle a person. I was just waiting for it to be in our room someday watching us or having it say something else random like. “I am going to wait until you are sleep so I can strangle you” or “I have a shiv.” Something like that.

Just tonight Laura and I were in the other room working when we heard Ernie spout off again non-stop. No one was in the room with him and no one had touched him for several weeks.

I grabbed the possessed doll shoved it into a DI bag and made a swift delivery to the Provo DI store. So if anyone is looking for a slightly possessed demonic toy doll you are welcome to buy him.

Another situation like this occured seven years ago: I really love Halloween and I love to collect decorations for the season. I once had an automated laughing skull which had glowing red eyes that would look around the room and it would laugh maniacally. When Laura and I were first married, I decorated our apartment with all of my spooky decor and I would make sure to turn everything off--including this skull--every time we went to bed. One night at 3 am, I heard that spooky laughter coming from our living room! A. I had turned the thing off, and B. that skull is motion activated...so what set it off?! Needless to say, that skull also found its way to DI the next morning.

I don't think I have a serious and chronic case of Pediophobia, only with an animated object that has a mind of its own. What is your opinion on this subject?