Safety starts Now!

Anyone who is employed in any industrial job gets to hear a safety schpeel the first time on the job. It's usually about how their company is all about safety and how employees need to do their active part in keeping themselves safe so that they don’t critically hurt themselves and that all the shareholders can rest assured that their money isn’t going to medical costs for the company (mostly the latter).

The company I work for currently has taken this safety policy and blown it way out of proportion. Before I go off on this tangent I would like to make it clear that I love my job and can lovingly laugh at all the maniac quirks that go with it. My friend from Geneva Steel said that he, too, had some odd safety practices and procedures he was supposed to live by then said this (which I agree with), “First you laugh at it, then you follow it.”

Because my company had a higher number of recordable injuries last year, all of the big CEOs  took safety at ACME to the next level and then beyond that.

My company has become so safety crazy that they have trained us all on how to walk properly in the safe company way. This is called the ACME technique to help avoid slips, trips, and falls. 

They are listed as follows:

• Take your time
• Pay attention
• Adjust your stride to the task
• Walk with feet pointed slightly outward
• Always make wide turns

So imagine walking like a duck or Charlie Chaplin. This is how we are required to walk while we are on company time and on company property.

The new ACME walking technique

They also have a technique for walking up and down the stairs to help avoid slips, trips and falls. See the picture to get an idea.

If we have a flawless quarter with no recordable injuries at work then every employee gets presents from our corporate staff. Last quarter's safety present was a multipurpose flashlight that was made in China with really cheap batteries. Some operators found out that once you put the batteries in the flashlight and turned it on, the entire flashlight would get extremely hot and burn the hands of whoever was holding it.  Our managers then strongly encouraged the rest of us to take our safety presents home and to not use them while at work for fear that we would hurt our safety numbers for the next quarter.

My safety reward!

 What do you think next quarter's safety present will be?

I have altered my companies name in this blog for privacy  

Pranking with Fanna and Falaina

I have perfected the trade of a prankster for the past score of my life. Through trial and error I have learned a few techniques that may help any novice that is considering taking up pranking as a hobby or pastime. So, grab a pen and paper and take notes, for I am about to explain my methods. There are three basic rules to stick to in pranking they are: 1. Patience, 2. Patience, and 3. More patience. Those of you who do not have the ability to wait for the opportune moment to prank, may I suggest bicycling or racquetball? Perhaps pranking is not for you.

Here is a good example of patience during pranking. My dear friend, Fanna, came down to visit her mother from the north and while she was breakfasting with her affectionate kindred I set my prank into action. I had purchased a bumper sticker from an undisclosed store three years previously to this that said the following: “Your body is a temple, mine is an amusement park!” 

I stuck it neatly to Fanna’s bumper, like so. 

I was admiring my handiwork in placing it symmetrical and centered on the bumper when I realized the tragic fact that unless Fanna does not look at the back of her car before she departed this temporary gag would be shorter lived then I wanted. So, in my haste I grabbed a camera and snapped these photos to keep for myself in my own prank scrapbook. 

How was this an act of patience? Well, I purchased the sticker three years prior to this day and was just waiting for the right moment when Fanna would be close by, unsuspecting, and distracted. I could have immediately driven north to Fanna’s home and planted the sticker at first purchase, but that would have been too much traveling and effort for this, which I consider one of my petty and benign gags.

My prediction was accurate. Fanna immediately discovered the bumper sticker and disposed of it. That is why you always take a picture. It will last longer. Even though Fanna didn’t catch me in the act, and she had no proof that it was I who committed this vandalism. She still accused me of it and threaten to have Falaina pound me if I attempted something like that ever again. Isn’t she silly? I will provide more pranking methods in the future. Stay tuned. 

Have you ever been accused of a crime or a prank that you most likely committed?